“My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have ninety three photos of our dog sleeping since last week.”
My dogs sleep on a dog bed. It's a king size one in the master bedroom that my husband and I sleep on too, but yeah, it's a dog bed.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 3, 2017
*Arriving home at the end of the day*
Me: Hi handsome
Me: Sorry I was talking to the dog
— sophielou (@sophielou) July 17, 2019
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 26, 2019
Wife: I think you're taking the idea of the dog being part of the family too far.
Me: [sitting dog at table with plate and silverware] why
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) June 27, 2017
I just found out that my husband fills the dog's water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge's water purifier feature.
"She'd do the same for me", he said.
— Samantha Joel (@datingdecisions) May 7, 2019
wife: "have you spent all our money on stuff for the dog again?"
[the dog rolls past the window on two hoverboards]
me: "okay yes"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2016
wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night
[flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud]
me: No I didn't
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 25, 2016
this lady has her dog in the front seat and husband in the back. this will be me as a wife someday. pic.twitter.com/371b5K4tfp
— Paige Russell (@paige_russsell) February 28, 2016
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 22, 2019
My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have ninety three photos of our dog sleeping since last week.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 22, 2018
My husband told me he’s not feeling well and I told him I didn’t have time to worry about that…my dog is sneezing and she needs me.
— Stacey (@skittle624) July 12, 2018
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
— Bart (@bartandsoul) November 11, 2018
[leaving for work]
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017
My wife is working late tomorrow and I’m going to let the dog have extra junk food and watch R-Rated movies.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 10, 2017
Fondly remembering that before we had kids, my husband @RickFolbaum and I used to give each other Valentine's cards from our dog.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) February 14, 2013
Wife: Why do you have to blow your nose so loud?
Me: I blow my nose at a normal volume.
Wife: You scared the dog.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2018
My dog and I have this cute bedtime routine where he sleeps in my husband’s spot and I let him.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 15, 2019
My wife and I go on vacation so we can talk about how much we miss our dog.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 26, 2018
My girlfriend got our dog a raincoat and it's so cute I'm moving to Seattle so she has to wear it every day.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) June 28, 2015
I want to surprise my wife with plans for a vacation getaway but I want the surprise to be that it’s just me and my dog going.
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) September 2, 2019
Me asleep with an imperceptible nose whistle, wife makes me go to the guest room.
The dog snores, farts, growls, and drools on the pillow, wife makes him the little spoon.
— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 17, 2019
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
— Stacey (@skittle624) July 20, 2019
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 18, 2016
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You're teaching the dog karate?
ME: Then it's exactly what it looks like.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 25, 2017
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 8, 2017